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| Update |
| 08.31.04 (5:34 pm) [edit] |
Tattooing went really well *GRIN* I am so happy with it so far, its in the VERY start stages, but going to take a picture soon of it, I want it to heal a bit more first...but pictures soon. On the same day I went with Pimp Mama to check out Adorned *a piercing shop* cause she wants her nose done...well they had a sign up saying they were looking for a receptionist! OMG THATS SO MY AREA!!!! The next day I went down and droped off my resume. That was sat. They called me today!!! *The shop is open tues-sat* I have an interview tomorrow!!!! I would love this job, this would make me so happy, and its totaly up my alley! *happy dance*
On a sad note, it seems that Pimp Mama will be going back to BC. I dont blame her for wanting to go. I just hope she finds what she is looking for out there, and I wish her lots and lots of luck.
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| Day Before |
| 08.26.04 (8:27 pm) [edit] |
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tattoo tomorrow!!!!!! 10 AM here comes the pain, and the beauty, I freaking excited. *happy dance*
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| So You Are Aware |
| 08.25.04 (11:57 am) [edit] |
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I am so sick of people saying something about me being married and that I should be doing this or that because of it. Its not a medical condition that needs to be watched, its not a reason for change in behaviour, its a commitment I made to someone else. What that commitment is is between me and my partner. Yes I am aware that I got married. But please dont think that it should dictate how I live my life. Its not like you expect people who move intogether to change alot, but as soon as you sign a freaking peice of paper then things should change? WTF is with that?
relationships are my pet peeve...can you tell?
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| The Beauty Is In The Bondage |
| 08.25.04 (4:23 am) [edit] |
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I wrote this while thinking back to my training with Ms. D. Almost a year ago now she took me as her student and I accepted her as my Mentor. She has taken me down a long road of self discovery. She has opened my eyes to things I thought I could never do, or would never do. I was so adamantly against being a sub. Against being spanked. I thought it was a limit. I thought I couldnt do it. I thought that I *might* be able to bottom, but not sub, oh no, not me. Not the only child in me, not the Almighty Domme. I learned to Submit that day, and I have kept it with me all this time. Something that I will never lose, something that will help me later, something that helps me now each time I play. I am in AWE of what she did for me that day. I will never forget it.
I thought at first writing it like an erotic story, but then it became something just for me to write about. Something I wanted to be kept as pure as I felt bound to that St. Andrews. I still dont know how to explain it all properly. It just all came out this way.
This is new for me, this is not what I do. I dont play this role. I am the Top, I am the Madame, the Mistress, the Goddess, the Domme. I feel another cuff tighten around my wrist. Its not too cold in here. She keeps it at a warm temperature. Standing spread like that on the St. Andrews Cross. I am glad that I have shaved that moringing before meeting with her. My hair is down, my arms and legs spread. Tied and cuffed. She asks to take pictures. Tells me I looke beautiful. I see myself and her in the mirror in front of me. I see her smile, and I reconize that look. That look that I get when I have someone tied, and the rope, cuffs, chains or whatever I am using gives just the right accent to the bondage. She smiles at me in the mirror, I blink and smile back. "Take all the pictures you want" I have no concerns about my nakedness, body image is not even in my thoughts at this point. The beauty is in the bondage. I hear the soft music in the back ground as she sets up her camera. She takes pictures, she moves ropes around, move me around, takes some more. I twist my wrists in the fur of the cuffs. She is only taking pictures and I already feel like I have given up so much and yet have done nothing. She tells me she is going to put a hood on me now. I am scared. I dont like hoods, I dont like things over my head. I try not to panic, I want her to be so happy with me, I want her to see that I can be a good submissive and a good student. I take a deep breath as I feel her up against me. The hood turns out to be a thin lycra bag. It is not tight, it is loose but still dark. The room is dark, I dont see much. I know that if I tried I could but I dont even want to do that. I know I am not supposed to and I still want to please so much. She is talking to me. Telling me my safe words, telling me I am doing well. Saying she is proud of me. I feel my will slip away. She starts by gently scratchin and touching me. Light touches, hard pressing touches. Gloves now, is that feathers? now a pin wheel. The feeling vaires. I become aroused, my nipples hard, my lips swollen. I feel myself getting wet. I am scared, I am in awe, I am feeling such lust. I have never felt this way doing this before. I make small noises. Sharp intake of breath when she reaches around and pinches me on my breasts. My movements are restricted due to the ropes but I want her to keep pinching me, even if it hurts. The feel of her hands now on my bottom, and my thighs. She gently pinches my inner thighs, scraches the backs of my legs and knees. I want to wiggle but at the same time dont want to move. I am conflicted. Thoughts of is this what they all go through? Is this what they feel when I do this to them? Do they want to please me as much as I want to please her right now? She tells me she is going to do some flogging now. She says to let her know when I am ready to begin. I take two deep breaths. Tell myself I need this, I want this, I have to learn what this feels before I can learn to do. I tell her I am ready. Now I am waiting. I know she has a flogger in hand, I know she is ready, and I know that she waits just to build the anticipation, yet it does nothing to stop my nerves. I dont know what to expect. I find a comfort zone, as I settle in she begins. Soft, heavy strands caress my shoulderblades. Slowly. Gentle strokes that feel like fat fingers caressing me mixed with heavy beats of leather. All over my back, my bottom, my legs, my sex, my breasts, my stomach. She changes instuments. She is going for something heavier. She is going to let me feel her specialty. The double flogger. I am so excited I forget that sometimes it hurts. I want to feel so much. I realize that sometime durning the flogging I have sunken into my submissive self. This is so new to me. I dont fight it. I let the falls take me away. I get caught up in the beat of the music, the pain and the pleasure of the flogging, the entrancing dizzyness that makes me feel like if she just hit my breasts or nipples more with those two wonderful tools I would be sent over the edge. I feel like I am on the edge of a peak, but its all mental. It hurts, it feels so good, it feels nice, and soft, then comes the sting again. I never know what is next. I venture a glace at the mirror through my hood and I see her face. I see the joy, the love, the fun, the steadfast concentration that she has and I admire her. Her words of warning begin to come back to mind from our first meeting. I am not to fall in love with her. I see now why that is so important. I get it now. I am in totaly adoration of what she is doing. I am falling in love with the feelings that I am having. I want to tansfer them to her, but I wont, cant, will not. I dont know how long this goes on. She has now changed over to her bare hand. I thought my limit was spanking. She is gently touching my bottom with her hands. She pinches, gives it gentle slaps, works her way up. I am enjoying this. My fear takes that enjoyment and makes it so much more. I dont seize up. I dont yell my words, I dont try to get away. I want this. My limits are tested my life has now changed. She wants me to feel so much. I want to take all I can but she warn me not to be brave, not to take more than I acctualy can. What follows are paddles, canes, switches. I have found new limits and new heights. As things wind down, the pain from that last cane hit has yet to go away. I lost count so long ago. Each mark has its own pain indicator as to where I have been spanked, paddled, slaped, caned. One side for light one for had. I get the difference. I am covered in sweat. I am sore, tired, happy, scared, aroused. She leans agains me and whispers in my ear that I did good. She is proud of me. I took what I could, and will take much more away from this all too. She hugs me while I am still bound and kisses my cheek. My tears begin to flow. I didnt cry during the pain, I cry now at the joy of what I have accomplished. She begins to untie me, to set me free my beautiful bondage. The hood is off, the lights still down. The music still plays. I feel faint. She helps me to lie down and regain self awareness. She wraps me in a blanket, I can hardly say two words. She brings me juice and sits with me. Tells me again how proud she is, how happy I have made her. That I should be proud of what I have done for myself today. I hear those words and I do feel proud. She leaves me to dress and regain some self awareness. I realize now what is sub space. I realize now that I truely submitted to her. I have a greater understanding of the meaning of those words. Dress and still somewhat shakeing I leave the room. I see her as a person again. I have left the Domme and the sub in the other room. We are back to Teacher-Student, Mentor, Friend. I hug her and say thank you. We sit down to a light lunch and talk. Days later is when I realize what has happened. Days later when I can really process it. Months till I can fully go over it in my head, and replay it. Never will I forget that first true experinence. Years of reading, hours of playing. I understand now
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| Don't Cry |
| 08.25.04 (2:54 am) [edit] |
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There is just something about this GnR song that gets me everytime I hear it. Right up there with One In A Million and November Rain. I dont know why, they never were really came up for special reasons when I was younger and heard them. Well maybe they remind me of when I lived in BC and Cory and I would listen to music in his room and it would be the few times I felt calm. Listening to rock and metal made me calm, weird. Granted these songs aren't really either but they are playing right now and I am feeling calm...
Don't Cry
Talk to me softly
There's something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please don't cry
I know how you feel inside I've
I've been here before
Somethin's changin' inside you
And don't you know
Don't you cry tonight
I still love you baby
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
there's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight
Give me a whisper
And give me a sigh
Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye
Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinking of you
And the times we had... baby
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
there's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight
And please remember that I never lied
And please remember
how I felt inside now honey
You gotta make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby
And don't you cry tonight
An don't you cry tonight
An don't you cry tonight
there's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight
Baby maybe someday
Don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry
Tonight
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| Side Note |
| 08.25.04 (1:40 am) [edit] |
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In case anyone cares I have started a LJ so that I can write about my Poly life and more about my training, as I also tend to use this blog for just random things; and I still will. I cant leave TBlog - it pop'd my bloging cherry ;) The link is on the side...
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| Thoughts Before Bed |
| 08.25.04 (1:35 am) [edit] |
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Just random thoughts that I while sitting at Denny's tonight...
Im sure my friends are sick of what I have to say, and they dont want to hear it anymore.
Do I really have anything intersesting to say when I am out with them? I feel lost when they begin to talk about music, and sometimes a bit jealous about it all.
Whats going to happen now? Gotta move, gotta get my own space, are people really ok with that?
What do people really think about me, and should it really matter?
I need more people who understand what I am going through with this poly thing.
It sucks that he cant be a thrid, that he cant be poly and I get that, but why cant he just tell me, why is so freaking clueless, and blind and what happens now.
It will be nice to see Ms. D on friday, nicer to see her tomorrow.
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| Punk In Drublic |
| 08.22.04 (2:14 am) [edit] |
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So went to the warehouse tonight...wow lots of fun. I drank more than I should have and am kind on the down side of sobering up. I dont drink much, or offten, but tonight I went too much past my limit. But I am ok, I know its not a case of a hang over in the am, and that will be it for me for at least 6 months.
My kneck hurts, alot. Did some awesome head baning tonight. OMFreaking Gawd! like 4 songs in a row. Havent head banged in years! I was so rocking out tonight. Like hard core style. If there had been a moss pit I would have been all for it.
Over all I had a kick ass night! I loved it! ROCK ON!!!!
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| Wow What Is With The World? |
| 08.20.04 (1:59 pm) [edit] |
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Sweet Jebus Fried Monkeys! My mother was right. It is all in my head. Well ok she wasn't fully right. Turns out the possible cause of all this bullshit is cause there is a lesion on the right side of my brain. *yea me* Dont know what this means yet. More tests more doctors visits, but at least now we are in the right direction. On another plus note, my spine is OK *does a happy dance*
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| Gimmie |
| 08.18.04 (6:00 pm) [edit] |
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I want a minion. I want a whole army of Minions. Gimmie.
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| Thoughts |
| 08.18.04 (3:25 am) [edit] |
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I think that the parent that I always thought was the better one seems to be the one that was just as bad and really didnt care about me that much. Talking with Laine he told me that I have to realize that my mother doesnt love me, and I just have to deal with that. I think I have, and I think I am oddly ok with that that. My father who did some pretty bad things to me is now trying to reconcile and be part of my life and do what he can to make things up to me and I have only pushed him away. It has taken me a long time to deal with what had happend, and after my last meeting with my mother (who fucking tell thier child that they should "get fixed"?!?!?!?!!?!?!) ;I am thinking that maybe I should at least involve him some what in my life because he is at least making an effort to show that he cares and he has an intrest. I am still dealing with alot of things and I am confused. Its going to take time, but that life huh?
On a plus side I will be getting back into my training sometime next week. I've missed it. I've been so side tracked by my health, and other stupid things. I've missed having that direction in my life.
As for things with the third - who knows whats going on at this point. I know ultimately we can't all give eachother what we want. There are too many conflictions for this to be serious. We can just be happy being friends who maybe occasionaly get together and play.
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| What The Hell?!?!?!?!?! |
| 08.14.04 (7:08 pm) [edit] |
I am so upset this weekend. Things were said that remined me of a comment A-Cup made. Then I was told that I was getting to be too forward. Im just like WTF? First you want me to be forward and to ask questions and talk about things, THEN when I do its too much. Fuck this. From now on you can make the moves you can say if you want something. Im so sick of this shit. I dont know what to do anymore. Im sure the situaion with our third is pretty much ending. He said something to Laine about drawing back a bit. Whatever. I just hate being asked to help break down walls that really dont seem to want to come down. You are too hard-core mono to be in a poly relationship even if you think its one of the few ways to experince something that you want. This is just too hard for me. I have no one to talk to about it, I dont know what to do, or where to go. I am freaking sick of trying to be the one to get this all started and the only one to put effort into it.
I guess its just time to move on...
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| Once Again |
| 08.12.04 (3:28 pm) [edit] |
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Once again I have been told to back off a bit when out with certain people. This time I understood why it was said and it wasnt even in a rude way like it was said before. But comming from a person is kinda our third, and still hearing that they want to find someone at a bar so could I please back off and could we not do certain things while out. That hurt. I understand the reasoning, I guess I just wish that we could have a true thrid. A bi gal or guy, someone Lain could do more with too. It would also be good to have someone I could have feelings for. I want to break down his walls just for my own personal gain, and I know thats not right.
I dont know what to make of it anymore.
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| Machine Closed :( |
| 08.12.04 (12:53 am) [edit] |
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Thats super bad news. It was a ok place, not much here in cow-town for a good bar scene. Guess Warehouse is the place to go now *uggies*
Maybe something will open up again soon....
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| Been Thinking Again - Oh Oh |
| 08.11.04 (1:21 am) [edit] |
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So I really have to get back into my training. I have missed it so much. I have been feeling really lost and I am sure this will help out. I love my job at 7-11, I have some great relationships going on, in and out of the bed room. Got the Invader Zim Season 1 DVD *yea* and Things are going well. I am happy for a change and I am feeling so much more confident about myself and ablities. I am feeling like I am comming into my own for a change. Things are working out *im pretty sure of that*
Its acctualy working out for a change.
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I am a Scorpio.
(Also known as "Scorpion")
My Horroscope starts like this:
" Scorpios are highly dangerous, even at a distance. They cheat and lie, live for intrigue, and take pleasure in destroying. " (Read more | Find yours)
Get A Sticker Too
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